5. انا سعيدة - لماذا؟

 انا سعيدة 

انا سعيدة, انا لا سعيدة, انا سعيدة

الطقس بارد, الطقس معتدل مع الشمس, الطقس بارد

لماذا؟

لان منذ ٢٠١١ اريد ان اقراء تووتر

لان اريد ان افهم نبيل رجب في الفيديو عندما يتكلم عن الحقوق الانسان

2. مساء

انا سعيدة لان ساذهب الى مظاهرة الاحد 

مساء مشيت مع ابني بجانب الحقل

انا احب  النظر الى اشجار  

اليوم ساعدت ام زوجي مع بنكها

An example of how my mind strays (long)

- 'mounds of wheat and corn, and olives and oranges from the hill orchards, and complaining oxen and fat-tailed sheep.' 

We have wheat and corn here, but have to import olives and oranges. In fact so much is imported, our native grown diet would be entirely different from the one we usually have. Nettle omelettes, leek and broccoli soup, lamb with new potatoes, carrot, kohlrabi and bean salad, Scottish cheeses, Welsh something delicious, raspberry jam, wholemeal bread, oatcakes...so I am now wondering if I could eat UK for a while to explore what comes along from around here, all in season. Edible flowers like nasturtium and borage. 

- '..February 1982, the time of the Muslim Brothers' uprising and of the government's response..' (Hama in Syria, 20,000-30,000 killed.)

So, can I remember anything of that at all? No, I was thinking of other things entirely, plus my first round of A levels. All completely natural. Always this parallel set of lives, my own and whichever one is presented in a book. 

When will North Korea come out of its misery? All my life that has been going on. I have one book by a man who escaped, but I haven't been brave enough to read beyond the introduction. 

I wonder about the many Uprisings and how fated they are to fail. Why not plan carefully from inside the system, be canny, wait, succeed slowly, develop processes which work reliably? Why be so foolhardy and wasteful of lives?

- 'They'd sent him a bearded, turbaned Egyptian to offer stale words and verses.' 

When my Grandfather was ill he had wanted communion in hospital, but had specifically requested a male priest. That deliberate dismissal of women priests shocked me after a lifetime of kindness from him. I guess it was because I hadn't ever challenged the male place in the current set up. 

If I had challenged the male succession for our family title, things might have become ugly. As it is I decided to marry into a non-titled family to avoid it altogether, and I do not use my title at all. Even mentioning it here is counter-productive because I wish to bury and ignore its very existence, an honour imposed on the descendants with no get out.

- 'the past that would outlive him.'

English will live on, the shape of this country, the road network and names of villages, the illnesses we get, the ways that children play, the processes of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, all I have painstakingly learned will have to be re-learned by each person in turn, no short cuts. 

The Iraq + 100 years project concept was about asking people to write about their towns in 100 years' time. I considered life here in this village. All that would remain would be the old things, plus one or two modern elements. I found that a big surprise, but it made sense. 

Fashions would be recorded and the census information. The way the snow falls and melts, the catkins and daffodils, noises of the animals, smells of the animals and cut grass. Thunder, rain, dawn...Maths, languages, literature, the culture of music all around us, older people's ways, how wood burns, the winds.

How can I imagine the future children in my wider family? It is so extended already, I don't have a good way of keeping in touch with each one. I will put in a wish for the internet to come up with an extended family app which is just right :) Each person has a different version of family.

Too many words. The phrases are taken from 2 pages of a book I am reading. This straying is why I read, to remind me of my own life.

The SCEEC garden - peace and quiet - session 2

We used both hands to gather up frog spawn and transfer it using a bucket to bigger deeper ponds. The frogs obviously prefer the shallower warmer water of pools which will dry out soon. We saved some patches of spawn from areas which had been puddles during the flooding, but which were now just damp grass.

We did a survey of the land either side of a stream, searching for little foot prints of water vole. That involved a lot of climbing up and down banks, over fences and over dead trees, fun.

We did another survey of the edges of the many ponds to spot the sturdy white eggs of the Great Crested Newt. Because we don't rush, there is time for me to sit there and gaze at the surface of the waters and look at everything close to, waiting for each little pond skater to reveal itself.

The other big task was raking dry sticks left after the guy with the brush cutter, (a loud strimmer), had cut right back into last year's growth, making curving shapes in the tall banks of whatever -it-is.

I really like just being outside and not being asked questions. We had tea in the office towards the end, so I was glad I had brought lots to eat and drink during the work session.

So what paid job can I find which involves being outdoors in the wind, rain and sun, doing simple physical tasks with great people?

'..the insouciant armadillo..'

by Denise Levertov

Come into animal presence
No man is so guileless as
the serpent. The lonely white
rabbit on the roof is a star
twitching its ears at the rain.
The llama intricately
folding its hind legs to be seated
not disdains but mildly
disregards human approval.
What joy when the insouciant
armadillo glances at us and doesn't
quicken his trotting
across the track and into the palm brush.
What is this joy? That no animal
falters, but knows what it must do?
That the snake has no blemish,
that the rabbit inspects his strange surroundings
in white star-silence? The llama
rests in dignity, the armadillo
has some intention to pursue in the palm-forest.
Those who were sacred have remained so,
holiness does not dissolve, it is a presence
of bronze, only the sight that saw it
faltered and turned from it.
An old joy returns in holy presence.

"Come into animal presence" by Denise Levertov, from Poems: 1960-1967. © New Directions, 1983. Reprinted by permission.

I stood and watched 2 reindeer breathing today. Their big sides went up and down. It is odd to be able to stand for as long as I wanted, watching them trapped in a fenced area in the centre of the town.

On the way back from London a few days ago I caught a brief glimpse of a huge pale brown owl on a branch on the other side of the road. It was free and immobile. I was rushing past, yet there it was.

Open Gardens

I visited several open gardens in my village this afternoon.

One gentleman told me how he likes to mow around the long grass with a bare torso, to feel the soft fronds on his skin.

I told him that he looks after his garden and his garden looks after him.

It was one of those windy, but hot and sunny days.

Nostalgic for the Sea

'On the bridge, a warm competent calm prevails....From here the icebergs ahead look like a jumbled barrier, as if there were no way through, but the radar shows otherwise. I like to look at the radar screen, and I like to watch the ship's captain and officers as they consult it...The officers move calmly between window and radar, radar and window, studying now one, now the other, checking one against the other, determining a course. In an alcove behind the bridge, screened at night by curtains, is the desk where the charts lie, with compasses and pencils, under an angle-poise lamp; a digital readout gives the ship's latitudes and longitude, as transmitted by satellite. It's quiet on the bridge, like a public library, but for the constant faint reassuring drone of the heating or ventilation.'

From the essay 'Aurora' in 'Sightlines' a books of essays by Kathleen Jamie, published 2012, by Sort Of Books.

The hottest day of summer = nursing a sore throat

This does feel very odd. I am sipping Lemsip, lurking on the sofa with my dressing gown round my neck, wondering whether some curry would kill the lurgy.

I love the way the air warms up and cools down during the day. The smell of the air changes. The birds seem to be chirping in a new way too. Maybe they are having a chilled out garden party from their branches.

It was delicious to walk out of Sainsbury's into the hot humid air. Mmm. I kept on taking my sunglasses off each time I went into a shop, then putting them back on after paying but before picking up my bags to go.

I made my way into my stable to sit there for a bit. The ivy is growing more lush in there, nettles are peeking in at the doorway and there is a sudden long tendril of bindweed too.

All the old wooden planks and old rubbish heaped up on the other side from *my* side looked as if they would target for gold spray paint. Imagine covering it all in gold! Or perhaps pure white gloss. My mother in law would be most cross because she has possessions from her previous homes there, but I can sit in my chair and imagine freely without hurting anyone's feelings.

The other event is that the lower portion of one of our big sash windows has been taken away to be repaired, so this room's window is boarded up. It is amazing how one minute a window is in its place and the next it has been taken out. I bet it has not been removed for 50 or 100 years.

Lunch for Bees

It is so obvious when stated: my mother wanted some lavender to attract more bees to their garden in London, so she stood there in the plant shop and looked to see which lavender plant was buzzing!

The one with the happy customers was rather dull looking she thought, but not so to the bees. When she took it home it was immediately spotted by a large bumble bee. So that plant is the Lamborghini of lavenders, instantly yummy.

Something mysterious

I came back from the drawing Lent session and was clearing up the kitchen. I have rough hearing so when I heard a repetitive and unearthly noise I assumed it was the fridge at first.

Then I stood at the back door and listened to it coming from what seemed like several streets away. A bark or scream every 3 seconds. I'm not easily scared so put on my coat and gloves to walk round the village to locate it, at least to do something rather than ignore it.

All that walking and listening did me no good, as it got fainter as I walked round our block, then stronger as I got back. I decided it was in our own back garden! I walked with a surly sort of stomp towards the pitch black, giving off "I'm a human and I will eat you" vibes, it stopped immediately...I stayed there scowling at the dark, though have no idea what it might have been.

Once I was back inside again, busy whizzing soup and filling my hot water bottle it started up again. It knew I had given up being threatening I assume. I wonder what it was. Owl, fox, badger, deer??

Ever gone barefoot?

Go to www.barefooters.org for some great pieces of writing about going barefoot. You have nothing to lose but your chains/shoes/inhibitions... That wonderful moment on the beach when I can feel the sand under my feet, mmm. I think the gravel surrounding our house is about to be altered to a much finer grade when I update it.

The cat which visits us has the most lovely soft furry paws, but she does all her living like that. There is a lot I can learn from her.

I remember being so cross when I realised that starting school meant my children would have to wear shoes for nearly 7 hours with no break every day. The ties made me so cross too, little nooses round their tiny necks, and I had to do them up each morning to comply with the system.

The really olden days or far off times

'Bird Island was a trackless and tempestuous landscape, a wild land where natural forces reigned. As I stood on the mull of the hill, the fragile fortifications of the icebergs holding their line against the stormy seas below, my mind turned even further back, to riotous landscapes of prehistoric forests, jungled and unbroken, to times when nature alone transfigured the Earth, not the technologies of humanity.

Over 400 million years ago, the early clutch of exotic plants began their lustrous capture of the landscape. The first, monstrous forests emerged from giant horsetails, ferns taller than several men standing on one another's shoulders, and the simple, olive-green club mosses. After this grew the beautiful cycads and conifers, their nuts and kernels trumpeting their fertility, and giant ferns that sheltered little revolutionary blisters of pollen. These presaged the flowering beauty of our world, such as the exquisite, magnolia-like Archaeanthus linnenbergeri, ninety-eight million years ago, with its generous curls of petals and the dissected hearts of its leaves. And the buzz and dart of insects and birds, their lives strung on the scents and dusts and fruits of these early flowers.

No such wildernesses as these exist anywhere in the world today, not even on Bird Island. Our influence is too pervasive. But the Earth's astounding potential is there, recorded with almost photographic precision in its rocks, soils and ice. From these, we know of times and landscapes absolutely outlandish to our imaginings.'

From 'On Extinction: How We Became Estranged from Nature'
By Melanie Challenger
Granta 2011

Back to Autumn

I have just been for a walk. It was drizzling nicely. Only people who love drizzle will understand! It was warmer than earlier on, more like autumn than mid-December.

The weather here almost never matches with the billing, hence all the discussion and amazement when it actually is a wintry day....in winter, or roasting hot in summer.

In the middle of the village there is a field for hens and 3 sheep. They avoid the big fallen apples, so on a night like this there is a rich smell of fermenting and composting as I go past the fence. Yum. Those apple trees are so prolific.

There is another path which goes past a paddock for horses, I can anticipate the smell there too.

Wedding flowers

These are so much more beautiful in real life, I keep on moving the vase to different places. There are blues, pinks and white from bluebells, forget me not, aquilegia, campion and something lovely I found in my mother in law's garden today.

I put another bouquet down by our drive way with queen anne's lace, honesty and campion.

What a day! Just lovely to have a fun day with slightly too much Pimms....We all wound up on Google trying to find out 'what Harry said to William'. No one had managed to lip read it by then.

1 Min - Animal

When I look at animals or birds I try to appreciate their seeming ability to enjoy the sunshine and to do the work they need to do. A blackbird and I looked at each other this morning. She had a worm in her mouth, but she took a moment to stand still and look back at me also standing still.

Part 2

Actually the first thing I thought of when I saw the word animal was that logo in a special font which is on the back of 4 x 4 cars and clothing. I have absolutely no idea of what it connects to and it is refreshing to be utterly disconnected from something's meaning. A bit like looking at Arabic, I see it, but I get none of it!

Fishing

'"He is two feet longer than the skiff," the old man said. The line was going out fast but steadily and the fish was not panicked. The old man was trying with both hands to keep the line just inside of breaking strength. He knew that if he could not slow the fish with a steady pressure the fish could take out all the line and break it.

He is a great fish and I must convince him, he thought. I must never let him learn his strength nor what he could do if he made his run. If I were him I would put in everything now and go until something broke. But, thank God, they are not as intelligent as we who kill them; although they are more noble and more able.'

from 'The Old Man and the Sea'
by Ernest Hemingway

Nettle soup time

Here is a recipe for potato, onion and nettle soup. I dare myself to make it. Add a comment if you have the daringness to make this too.

Our beautiful lambs

As I drove past the field a few days ago I saw a mother ewe with one lamb snuggled up on the ground next to her and the other happily and neatly sitting up on her mother's back. I swear the ewe was smiling!

Another time I drove past and saw the little pink ears lit up from behind by the afternoon sun.

It is a miracle we cars get past in one piece, I keep on looking out of the window and slowing down.

Eye witness account

From the FT magazine this weekend, page 25, article written by David Pilling:

'The last person I speak to in the evacuation centre is Tomoya Kumagai, a 58-year-old fisherman who had been on his boat when the earthquake struck. "The boat always rocks, of course. But when there's a big earthquake, the water moves differently," he explains. "You get these triangular-type, jagged waves. I knew it was a big one. So I headed back to the dock."

  Mr Kumagai found his wife and mother-in-law and drove them to safety. From a hill, he saw everything clearly. He gives me the most vivid description of the tsunami I have heard yet. "The first wave was about seven metres tall," he says. "It didn't make it over the defence wall. But then it sucked out to sea and it came in a second time. The amount of water doubled and it broke the wall. It came in many times after that, four big ones. Once the water came onto the land, it didn't flow back because more kept pouring in from the ocean." '

March

From the chapter on March:

'The great spotted woodpecker - a completely medieval bird, like a joker, or a jester with mask, cap and bells. The black and white skullcap, the deep red velvet tail. the barred, flamboyant costume and the outsized conk of a beak, absurdly vigorous in its hammering. How on earth does it stabilize its brain?

from 'Notes from Walnut Tree Farm'
by Roger Deakin