Saturday, 14 August 2010

Lost my drive

I've been in a wierd mood since my aunt dying. All too normal, then a death inspired and persistent inertia. I keep on forgetting that it is quite normal to react in surprising ways, so wonder what on earth has got me.

An illness and death is like a bomb going off in the middle of a family. The sun still shines, normal stuff happens, but there has been a change which was unexpected and leaves a hole, obviously. I'm trying to feel my way towards working out what shape of hole we have and what it all means. I'm also trying to listen to how I feel right deep in myself as a reaction to this.

I'm also trying to work out how it is affecting other family members and am finding it very hard to stay in communication with them. It feels to me like one big silence, but that is just my perception. Maybe the older ones don't like to share their thoughts all the time? They don't operate online the way I do either, they prefer drinks and dinner parties. If I lived within walking distance I would too!

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