Lost my drive

I've been in a wierd mood since my aunt dying. All too normal, then a death inspired and persistent inertia. I keep on forgetting that it is quite normal to react in surprising ways, so wonder what on earth has got me.

An illness and death is like a bomb going off in the middle of a family. The sun still shines, normal stuff happens, but there has been a change which was unexpected and leaves a hole, obviously. I'm trying to feel my way towards working out what shape of hole we have and what it all means. I'm also trying to listen to how I feel right deep in myself as a reaction to this.

I'm also trying to work out how it is affecting other family members and am finding it very hard to stay in communication with them. It feels to me like one big silence, but that is just my perception. Maybe the older ones don't like to share their thoughts all the time? They don't operate online the way I do either, they prefer drinks and dinner parties. If I lived within walking distance I would too!

Well guess what..

..T's laptop only allows him to have 23 tabs open at once. Can you tell we are equally welded to our laptops today?

Every so often I realise that the silence in our kitchen is due to us both sitting in that identical hunched up pose with the same intense stillness. It takes a big burst of energy to do something else.

We chat a lot though, like office banter, one person trying to do something and the other one eagerly chatting 19 to the dozen.