Or in more polite language, my 'get up and go' got up and went some time ago and has not found its way back to me.
Is there some spiritual term for the time of waiting for whatever it is to come along? I'm busy doing somewhat pointless waiting. I hope there is some parenting value in it for the boys.
Anyway, I know it is not my fault and will move along in its own good time. Maybe this is how the land feels as weather systems pass over it season after season.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Promotion
Click here
I'm adding links left, right and centre to get this up the Google rankings.
I was the supporting person for the non-crossroads shot. It's a beautiful spot near Braziers Park by Wallingford. Happy memories of blowy afternoons there.
I'm adding links left, right and centre to get this up the Google rankings.
I was the supporting person for the non-crossroads shot. It's a beautiful spot near Braziers Park by Wallingford. Happy memories of blowy afternoons there.
Chat
My brother J and I decided that if I were to write a book it would be titled "Don't poke the swan". His would be "Stress doesn't exist".
We swap philosophies and stretch out on the sofa and chairs.
The cat makes an appearance and manages to be in the kitchen at the same time as some defrosted steak I carelessly left covered up on a counter. We all know what happens next. So no steak for us now! I have put a note in at our neighbours' door and hope the cat is ok...It was my fault and I should have known better after all the years of having cats around.
We went for a walk in the village, sat on a bench a couple have decided to put outside their front door. Then picked blackberries and chatted to a woman and a dog doing something complicated with a long, white tape in a field for horses.
We swap philosophies and stretch out on the sofa and chairs.
The cat makes an appearance and manages to be in the kitchen at the same time as some defrosted steak I carelessly left covered up on a counter. We all know what happens next. So no steak for us now! I have put a note in at our neighbours' door and hope the cat is ok...It was my fault and I should have known better after all the years of having cats around.
We went for a walk in the village, sat on a bench a couple have decided to put outside their front door. Then picked blackberries and chatted to a woman and a dog doing something complicated with a long, white tape in a field for horses.
Fun
My brother J is here with us. We went out to the cafe and did a short stop motion film of a doughnut being eaten away.
Later they went out for a pizza and came back to some new, red and still warm play dough. We made a couple of films on the table. A red thing with sharp teeth being alive. Then a flower growing and turning into a man.
Later they went out for a pizza and came back to some new, red and still warm play dough. We made a couple of films on the table. A red thing with sharp teeth being alive. Then a flower growing and turning into a man.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Smiles
H gives me such big smiles, even when he's shooing me out of his room.
Our visiting cat lies on my knee asleep with her chin in the air. I can see the smiley shape of her mouth while she lies there so peacefully.
My mother in law was beaming after a trip to the hospital left her intact and with the doctor agreeing with what she said. That's my sort of doctor!
My friend and her daughter were making jam this morning. We stirred and stirred. The level in the pot was going down slowly as the water evaporated off. We had coffee, laughed, chatted and did the pushing of the spoonful of mixture on a cold saucer every so often.
Our visiting cat lies on my knee asleep with her chin in the air. I can see the smiley shape of her mouth while she lies there so peacefully.
My mother in law was beaming after a trip to the hospital left her intact and with the doctor agreeing with what she said. That's my sort of doctor!
My friend and her daughter were making jam this morning. We stirred and stirred. The level in the pot was going down slowly as the water evaporated off. We had coffee, laughed, chatted and did the pushing of the spoonful of mixture on a cold saucer every so often.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Disappointment
I heard the jingle of the ice cream van, yelled to T and H to get their shoes on. We ran out into the road, but no van.
After a minute we heard the jingle again, but then the van drove past our corner, the driver waved at us trying to flag him down and off he went.
We were not part of his plan for the afternoon. Maybe his cooling system had just failed, he knew 3 icecreams weren't worth stopping for, he had a bad headache, his wife needed him at home suddenly... who knows?
I don't like being spurned by the only icecream van likely to come our way, especially after the traditional jingle had got us all fired up.
After a minute we heard the jingle again, but then the van drove past our corner, the driver waved at us trying to flag him down and off he went.
We were not part of his plan for the afternoon. Maybe his cooling system had just failed, he knew 3 icecreams weren't worth stopping for, he had a bad headache, his wife needed him at home suddenly... who knows?
I don't like being spurned by the only icecream van likely to come our way, especially after the traditional jingle had got us all fired up.
Recognition
Am I tempting fate by saying that I think I am beyond that awful feeling that being a mother was magically not nearly enough to justify my existence? Even though it was taking all my hours and with no weekends or lunch breaks either. Lulu land! In what crazy world could a woman tending to a household day and night for *years* be seen as 'not working'?
Anyway, good bye to all that. Watching the cat and the plants lets me see that life is for living. It is a free gift, so there!! The actions I take each day are my life. The actions I don't take are also my life. The cat gets to sleep on a fleece and kill small mammals. She has no CV behind her or carefully planned route ahead of her. She is cherished by some humans and just does her catty thing each day.
Obviously I hope I'm guiding the boys well, but they have access to a whole world of other people's views to learn from too. They are mammals and have brains to use to make their own judgements.
Anyway, good bye to all that. Watching the cat and the plants lets me see that life is for living. It is a free gift, so there!! The actions I take each day are my life. The actions I don't take are also my life. The cat gets to sleep on a fleece and kill small mammals. She has no CV behind her or carefully planned route ahead of her. She is cherished by some humans and just does her catty thing each day.
Obviously I hope I'm guiding the boys well, but they have access to a whole world of other people's views to learn from too. They are mammals and have brains to use to make their own judgements.
Excitement
At 11pm last night the chatting started. T and I worked our way through all sorts of topics. The one which stood out was how he needs excitement and new experiences every day.
I did smile when he said he didn't know how I could stay sane just doing the same things every day. I tried to explain that it was doing those same things, like feeding the birds and putting the compost out, which does keep me sane. The invisible bit of my life is like a very stormy sea, all about adults' emotions, events, changes, you name it....
Luckily he just doesn't get it at all, much as I had no idea what those over 40, or over 30 to be honest, did with their lives, when I was his age. What you see is absolutely not what is actually going on.
I did smile when he said he didn't know how I could stay sane just doing the same things every day. I tried to explain that it was doing those same things, like feeding the birds and putting the compost out, which does keep me sane. The invisible bit of my life is like a very stormy sea, all about adults' emotions, events, changes, you name it....
Luckily he just doesn't get it at all, much as I had no idea what those over 40, or over 30 to be honest, did with their lives, when I was his age. What you see is absolutely not what is actually going on.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Hair dying
Why are we doing this so late at night?? Because it is summer holidays!
Soon it will be time to use the shower head to wash off the bright red dye. I'll do the noisy hairdrying down here in the kitchen as one person in this household is asleep.
I hope my latest method of carefully putting the dye on has worked better than last time. T never complains about my skills, but he's not that fussy. I see the bits I have missed and feel a bit embarrassed.
Soon it will be time to use the shower head to wash off the bright red dye. I'll do the noisy hairdrying down here in the kitchen as one person in this household is asleep.
I hope my latest method of carefully putting the dye on has worked better than last time. T never complains about my skills, but he's not that fussy. I see the bits I have missed and feel a bit embarrassed.
Lost my drive
I've been in a wierd mood since my aunt dying. All too normal, then a death inspired and persistent inertia. I keep on forgetting that it is quite normal to react in surprising ways, so wonder what on earth has got me.
An illness and death is like a bomb going off in the middle of a family. The sun still shines, normal stuff happens, but there has been a change which was unexpected and leaves a hole, obviously. I'm trying to feel my way towards working out what shape of hole we have and what it all means. I'm also trying to listen to how I feel right deep in myself as a reaction to this.
I'm also trying to work out how it is affecting other family members and am finding it very hard to stay in communication with them. It feels to me like one big silence, but that is just my perception. Maybe the older ones don't like to share their thoughts all the time? They don't operate online the way I do either, they prefer drinks and dinner parties. If I lived within walking distance I would too!
An illness and death is like a bomb going off in the middle of a family. The sun still shines, normal stuff happens, but there has been a change which was unexpected and leaves a hole, obviously. I'm trying to feel my way towards working out what shape of hole we have and what it all means. I'm also trying to listen to how I feel right deep in myself as a reaction to this.
I'm also trying to work out how it is affecting other family members and am finding it very hard to stay in communication with them. It feels to me like one big silence, but that is just my perception. Maybe the older ones don't like to share their thoughts all the time? They don't operate online the way I do either, they prefer drinks and dinner parties. If I lived within walking distance I would too!
Friday, 13 August 2010
Well guess what..
..T's laptop only allows him to have 23 tabs open at once. Can you tell we are equally welded to our laptops today?
Every so often I realise that the silence in our kitchen is due to us both sitting in that identical hunched up pose with the same intense stillness. It takes a big burst of energy to do something else.
We chat a lot though, like office banter, one person trying to do something and the other one eagerly chatting 19 to the dozen.
Every so often I realise that the silence in our kitchen is due to us both sitting in that identical hunched up pose with the same intense stillness. It takes a big burst of energy to do something else.
We chat a lot though, like office banter, one person trying to do something and the other one eagerly chatting 19 to the dozen.
Monday, 9 August 2010
My Aunt
My aunt died this morning at the hospice. Her younger brother and older sister were staying the night with her and my parents were able to drive over quickly.
I'm glad that I have been on the phone a lot with my mother these past weeks. Other than living round the corner from them, this is the best contact and is easy to arrange.
I'm also glad that they had set up a routine of getting together to have a drink and something to eat together each evening after being with my aunt. I think they all sat round a table on the balcony outside her room, so she could hear them, but could just be in peace nearby.
Now that special time is over and they are all scattering to the winds, on their travels up, down and outside the country.
I'm glad that I have been on the phone a lot with my mother these past weeks. Other than living round the corner from them, this is the best contact and is easy to arrange.
I'm also glad that they had set up a routine of getting together to have a drink and something to eat together each evening after being with my aunt. I think they all sat round a table on the balcony outside her room, so she could hear them, but could just be in peace nearby.
Now that special time is over and they are all scattering to the winds, on their travels up, down and outside the country.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
So quiet
1. Because both boys are out at the cinema for the A Team. They are off by themselves and I will be waiting in the reception well in advance of the end of the film to meet them. We are all in the house and they are out and about. This is the start of a new phase. We will be up 'til all hours afterwards. That will be fun. They'll be extra hungry too.
2. Because I am waiting for updates from my mother and there are no calls. I don't want to have a bath in case I miss a ring. That is silly as I'd just call back 30 mins later. They have been at the hospice and my mother's voice sounded all squeaky with emotion earlier. Thinking about it, now is just the right time for a warm bath. Then I can whizz my apricot icecream and pat my rising bread.
2. Because I am waiting for updates from my mother and there are no calls. I don't want to have a bath in case I miss a ring. That is silly as I'd just call back 30 mins later. They have been at the hospice and my mother's voice sounded all squeaky with emotion earlier. Thinking about it, now is just the right time for a warm bath. Then I can whizz my apricot icecream and pat my rising bread.
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