I took one disastrous photo of my father at night outdoors. It was blurred, red and too busy. T has photoshopped it and turned it into a stunning abstract.
I wanted to take a series of pictures of what I felt about my parents' house, to get it out of my system and somehow get closer to finding what I love there. I didn't have the opportunity though, because I got into a rather nasty conversation with my mother. Home truths I had not asked for were sent my way and I headed home as fast as I could.
So now what????
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Tate
Just happy to sit in the cafe watching old films of Henry Moore.
There was a separate film of marching soldiers in a side room. That sound of boots on London pavements keeps on going through my head. They marched so quickly and purposefully.
There was a separate film of marching soldiers in a side room. That sound of boots on London pavements keeps on going through my head. They marched so quickly and purposefully.
On Guard
It must be a sign of maturity to be on guard all the time. I speak carefully, stay encouraging and positive. I avoid those dreadful topics which do not go well.
The most important thing is to leave quickly before any slide into honesty and openness. Gay smiles and bright comments are a brilliant shield.
However I stayed just that bit too long. Seethed for miles on my fast drive out of London.
Then the music on the radio took my mind away. The fields round here are stunning, the harvest has started. The rolling open hills are soothing. Being back is great. Top Gear is a bonus!
The most important thing is to leave quickly before any slide into honesty and openness. Gay smiles and bright comments are a brilliant shield.
However I stayed just that bit too long. Seethed for miles on my fast drive out of London.
Then the music on the radio took my mind away. The fields round here are stunning, the harvest has started. The rolling open hills are soothing. Being back is great. Top Gear is a bonus!
Intense Weekend
Visit to hospice.
Visit to Moore exhibition.
Cafe chats.
Lunch and dinner on patio.
Understandings and misunderstandings.
Visit to Moore exhibition.
Cafe chats.
Lunch and dinner on patio.
Understandings and misunderstandings.
Monday, 19 July 2010
Rain
'Then let us walk up and down, said Mercier, yes, arm in arm
let us pace to and fro. There is not much room, but there might
be even less. Lay down our umbrella, there, help me off with our
knapsack, so, thanks, and off we go.
Camier submitted.
Every now and then the sky lightened and the rain abated.
Then they would halt before the door. This was the signal for
the sky to darken again and the rain to redouble in fury.'
Mercier et Camier
by Samuel Beckett
let us pace to and fro. There is not much room, but there might
be even less. Lay down our umbrella, there, help me off with our
knapsack, so, thanks, and off we go.
Camier submitted.
Every now and then the sky lightened and the rain abated.
Then they would halt before the door. This was the signal for
the sky to darken again and the rain to redouble in fury.'
Mercier et Camier
by Samuel Beckett
Wildwood
'Spiders will build communal webs across whole fields, covering them in dazzling lakes of early-morning dew: as massive an expense in work and materials as when Christo wrapped up the Reichstag.'
from Wildwood - A Journey Through Trees
by Roger Deakin
from Wildwood - A Journey Through Trees
by Roger Deakin
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Becoming aware
As I was walking around feeling out of sorts on all levels, I eventually thought of simply saying so to myself. It was helpful. "I'm going around Sainsbury's and feeling out of sorts", "I'm wearing too many clothes for this weather" and "I'm actually hungry and haven't had enough today".
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
No longer so together
The strange peace of the past week has gone. I didn't even do my daily tick sheet at all today.
T was arguing with me for a fair amount of the day. He stopped when I took H to the dentist, but resumed when I got back. I retaliated with comments like 'well in the 70's if a child broke something they tended to hide the fact, not ask for replacements and the parent would say "oh bad luck" at best'....mind you the child would simply not have the item in the first place....
Taking H to the dentist is one of those tense events which means that nothing else really matters for that whole day. I feel tense beforehand and then relieved afterwards. So must he.
T did a splendid angry jump onto a cardboard box in the middle of the drive. I just happened to glance out as he flew through the air to connect with it.
He also broke the temperature gauge outside. I rescued the metal coil. And he turned over a young treelet in its pot. Humph. I held out the bin for the bits of gauge and made him wait while I trowelled the earth back onto the tree roots.
Anyway after all that I drove him to take some photos, got to the place, then he realised the tripod was back home. Drove back, got it and drove back to the place. T then lost the will to take photos. By that time we were having quite a laugh at the pointlessness of our early evening trips and got back home in a good mood.
So all in all it was a busy day full of incident!
T was arguing with me for a fair amount of the day. He stopped when I took H to the dentist, but resumed when I got back. I retaliated with comments like 'well in the 70's if a child broke something they tended to hide the fact, not ask for replacements and the parent would say "oh bad luck" at best'....mind you the child would simply not have the item in the first place....
Taking H to the dentist is one of those tense events which means that nothing else really matters for that whole day. I feel tense beforehand and then relieved afterwards. So must he.
T did a splendid angry jump onto a cardboard box in the middle of the drive. I just happened to glance out as he flew through the air to connect with it.
He also broke the temperature gauge outside. I rescued the metal coil. And he turned over a young treelet in its pot. Humph. I held out the bin for the bits of gauge and made him wait while I trowelled the earth back onto the tree roots.
Anyway after all that I drove him to take some photos, got to the place, then he realised the tripod was back home. Drove back, got it and drove back to the place. T then lost the will to take photos. By that time we were having quite a laugh at the pointlessness of our early evening trips and got back home in a good mood.
So all in all it was a busy day full of incident!
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Strangely positive
I don't understand why I am feeling upbeat at the moment. Eye of the storm??
H used a timer again at the hygienist today, so that the picking/polishing would only last 4 minutes. It worked well, the hygienist is very quick and we don't take up the time allocated so she saves time. H is happy too and in control.
T found a new beach by the Thames to take photos from. I sat on a fleece reading my book and was at peace with the world. T took pictures of his tripod with its feet in the water.
H used a timer again at the hygienist today, so that the picking/polishing would only last 4 minutes. It worked well, the hygienist is very quick and we don't take up the time allocated so she saves time. H is happy too and in control.
T found a new beach by the Thames to take photos from. I sat on a fleece reading my book and was at peace with the world. T took pictures of his tripod with its feet in the water.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Sharing
My son shared the trailer for Inception with me and I shared a bad news facebook message with him before I sent it. Not equal, but we share what we have.
I made lots of burgers for him and he told me he'd spilt lemonade all over his pillows. More sharing! Little gifts here and there.
I made lots of burgers for him and he told me he'd spilt lemonade all over his pillows. More sharing! Little gifts here and there.
Purpose
A friend asked me today what my purpose in life is. At the moment I feel content without a big goal, but at other times I have had and needed a clear purpose, several even!
There are all sorts of sadnesses going on at present around me. Dealing with myself as all these big emotions swirl round me is quite enough. I water my plants and put out bird seed. I call relatives and send Facebook messages. I read blog posts and my library books.
The boys are growing up and eating their favourite foods. So I go to the supermarket and I cook what they like when they are hungry. Simple really.
I have a bit of a rant when I get cross and my housemates all listen. The cat sits on my knee and then kills our wild shrews.
I forget to look at my checklist for each day, then I remember to half way through the evening. That's ok.
There are all sorts of sadnesses going on at present around me. Dealing with myself as all these big emotions swirl round me is quite enough. I water my plants and put out bird seed. I call relatives and send Facebook messages. I read blog posts and my library books.
The boys are growing up and eating their favourite foods. So I go to the supermarket and I cook what they like when they are hungry. Simple really.
I have a bit of a rant when I get cross and my housemates all listen. The cat sits on my knee and then kills our wild shrews.
I forget to look at my checklist for each day, then I remember to half way through the evening. That's ok.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Limbo
Damn, I have just written so much and my laptop has just obliterated it all, even though I had saved it several times on purpose.
...
When I put in all that effort I was still unaware of a person's death. Now I know she has died and roughly when and where.
...
When I put in all that effort I was still unaware of a person's death. Now I know she has died and roughly when and where.
Moments
I used to go to a place where there was a table with paints and paper for anyone to do their own artwork. I would go and sit at that table with the same feeling of walking forward into the familiar separate space as special as a dance floor.
Maybe soon I'll dare to step into that separate time of using paper and colours. I'm still teetering.
T and I went to light 2 candles in our church a few days ago. The candle stand has a kneeler in front of it, but I am not used to kneeling in front of T because we stopped forced church going a long time ago. So I teetered in that same way and wondered. I decided to keep my idea of kneeling to myself as we were paying attention to each other and not going into our private worlds.
Maybe soon I'll dare to step into that separate time of using paper and colours. I'm still teetering.
T and I went to light 2 candles in our church a few days ago. The candle stand has a kneeler in front of it, but I am not used to kneeling in front of T because we stopped forced church going a long time ago. So I teetered in that same way and wondered. I decided to keep my idea of kneeling to myself as we were paying attention to each other and not going into our private worlds.
Football
I've finally got to the point of preferring the vuvuzelas to the chanting! I now hope they catch on here. No more jeering would be so great.
The home ed angle on this is the PSHE discussion of insulting comments in the chants, whether they are culturally important or just plain offensive.
The home ed angle on this is the PSHE discussion of insulting comments in the chants, whether they are culturally important or just plain offensive.
Friday, 2 July 2010
So drained
Various things going on which are causing me to just sleep deeply every so often. Confidentiality is a pain too, I'm beginning to forget who told me what and what I need to keep secret.
Anyway by way of taking a music cure I watched a wonderful programme about the Rolling Stones and will be eating more comfort food, yay for crisps, porridge and home made soup. I may go on a search for a creme egg if my symptoms persist.
I partly want to stick my head in the sand and not hear any news about anyone, had enough of bad news, and partly want to give properly and better, therefore saving the world single handedly. That won't happen either.
So I shall focus on summer holidays, started today for us, and we shall keep to simple discussions about buying more stuff, what to cook and what's on TV. I will keep on murdering the mosquito larvae in my pond with a little sieve. Sorry universe, but I have lost patience with that one aspect of my stagnant pond as well as the human world.
Anyway by way of taking a music cure I watched a wonderful programme about the Rolling Stones and will be eating more comfort food, yay for crisps, porridge and home made soup. I may go on a search for a creme egg if my symptoms persist.
I partly want to stick my head in the sand and not hear any news about anyone, had enough of bad news, and partly want to give properly and better, therefore saving the world single handedly. That won't happen either.
So I shall focus on summer holidays, started today for us, and we shall keep to simple discussions about buying more stuff, what to cook and what's on TV. I will keep on murdering the mosquito larvae in my pond with a little sieve. Sorry universe, but I have lost patience with that one aspect of my stagnant pond as well as the human world.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Clock-o'-Clay
In the cowslip pips I lie,
Hidden from the buzzing fly,
While green grass beneath me lies,
Pearled wi' dew like fishes' eyes,
Here I lie, a clock-o'-clay,
Waiting for the time o' day.
John Clare
This is about a ladybird.
Hidden from the buzzing fly,
While green grass beneath me lies,
Pearled wi' dew like fishes' eyes,
Here I lie, a clock-o'-clay,
Waiting for the time o' day.
John Clare
This is about a ladybird.
Memories
It's amazing how changing circumstances bring out memories so sharply. Snippets here and there of voices and times together, both easy and fractious times.
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